You will recognise "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" by Christopher Marlowe (about 1590) and may know that Sir Walter Raleigh wasn't impressed  and wrote "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd"  Well this is the updated version for the way society behaves today.

Come live with me and be my love - well...

Come for one night and have a fuck
And then we’ll surely have the luck
That instant pleasures always give
Cos when you fuck – you know you live.

So let us wrestle on the bed
Or better still – do you give head?
We must grab pleasure where it falls
And fuck it if you have the balls.

And we can make a bed of sin
Where you and I can both come in
We’ll stain the sheets and break the springs
And do a thousand dirty things.

and the lady's reply

Thank you for the invitation
But I’d prefer self flagulation
I’ll let your pleasures pass me by
Go fuck yourself – I’d rather die.

So I won’t wrestle on your bed
And no – for you – I won’t give head
To grab my pleasure where it falls
I’d rather kick you in the balls

I won’t lie in your bed of sin
Between those sheets that you’ve come in
So now they’re stained and smell quite rank,
So just go home and have a wank.

 

Some people are just so much more sensitive than others

From your own words I know it's true,
That no one's suffers anguish like you do.
No one else is such a sensitive little flower
Or even had a minute as painful as the hour
That you surived so well - but with such scars
That it is quite amazing
that little scratches such as ours
Are viewed as pain.

All I need to do is look and I can see
it written in the open book
that is your care worn face.

Oh life, who loves to get
Such things into your list put this in.
You suffered, and you'll die
But we, well, we're alive - what luck
So when you talk of all the pain you feel,
Who gives a fuck.

 

Christian, Moslem, Jew

Christian and Moslem, di-zygotic bastard twins born of Zion
Siblings religiously squabbling over who owns truth, owns land, owns oil

Willing to kill for peace, or have their angry sons
Die for the prophet, or kill for greater profits

Christian, Moslem, Jew
Spot the difference if you can
They all believe in ONE GOD
Made in the image of the same
self serving, bigotted, power hungry,
and not very nice MAN

 

The complaint of the stand-up comic  - or -

I'm funny you bastards - Why aren't you laughing?

I decided to try stand up comedy
so I studied the job for a while
as a job it's got to be easy
since you just need to make people smile

or even - and not many do this
you can get them to chuckle a bit
a lot that ive seen try to do it
to be honest they're most of em shit

so im learning the trade just by watchin
and makin the odd little note
if I write down the lines that make people laugh
then i'll just need to read what ive wrote

and then i could get on the telle
and then become famous and rich
and all that i need to really succed
is be crude, and be rude, swear and bitch

so i tried it - and people werent laughin
and some of the hecklers were blunt
till one - oh yes you have guessed it
he shouted out fuck off you cunt

well then the audience were laughin
so i learnt how to do a good job
I no longer try to be funny
i just give a free rein to me gob

I piss in the shower I tell them
and sometimes i shit in the bath
once while my wife was still in it
now that one is good for a laugh

and if that doesnt get them all chucklin
i say i had sex with me dog
and if that doesnt do it i tell them
i get kiddies to sit on me log

I know that I really am funny
when i talk about showing me cock
Or wanking to pictures of grannies
and saving me cum in a sock

I'm funny - i tell you - I'm funny
The audience has it all wrong
They don't understand modern comics
they don't know a joke from a dong

Why aren't you laughing you bastards!
Why aren't you laughing?

 

Vive La France

In gay Paris two hundred and fifty thousand students
marched for the right to become unemployable

And all round the world
the sight of French riot police
being beaten to pulp
was wholeheartedly enjoyed

and Jacque Chirac
who proudly proclaimed he wouldn't tur back
turned back and appologised
and the new labour law was destroyed.

Vive la France

Bird Flu

Our fate could be foul, but what can we do?
We're in for an ourbreak of dreaded bird flu.
Why doesn't Blair act, there are things he could do
To stop this hendemic of dreaded bird flu

He could bomb the Canaries, kick out the cuckoo
Ban hen ights forever, to stop the bird flu.

When the lion roars fiercely that can frighten us too
But not like hens coughing, we're shit scared of bird flu.

 

What a Wonderful Week

What a wonderful week we've had
A week for dispelling the blues
Apart from some hostages grabbed in Iraq
A week full of really good news

The country has got a new idol
There really is no one to match her
She can pee water falls and eat kangaroo balls
She's the new jungle queen, Carol Thatcher.

And the Tories have got a new leader
Not as old, or as fat, and with hair,

Goes to work on a bike, has a wife you could like,
And he's not a warmonger like Blair.

I'm glad I'm a man

I'm glad I'm a man who stands up when he pees
eats stilton and cheedar and not cottage cheese
has beer by the pint and whenever I dine
I can wash the food down with a lot of red wine

I'm glad I'm a man who enjoys a good fart
doesn't have to act cultured, or care about art
I don't need an hour to choose what to wear
and don't waste a minute on fixing my hair

I may sometimes get drunk and act like a clown
and drip on the toilet when the seat's been left down
my ego's not fragile, I often am silly
but I dont measure my life by the size of my willie

I like being a man, I like it a lot
And I like it much better cos women are not

For Everyman

There is a dichotomy in my life:
I have achieved so much that I should be proud;
I have achieved so little that I am ashamed.

Hey there Stevie

You think that I'm smiling
That's not a smile
That's a grimace.
You think that I'm waving
That's not a wave
That's a tsunami
And I'm going under

In the name of God

God made the mountain and god made the lake
Man made religion, and that's our mistake.

In the name of God
Aids is spread in Africa
Clinics are bombed in America
Catholics are shot in Belfast
Trains explode in London
And Palestinians are landless refugees.

For the love God
Why have we let religion become
the last refuge of the scoundrel?

God made the mountain and god made the lake
Man-made religion - that's our mistake.

 

A romantic version of Cludo
Whodunit – where and how?

Poker in the drawing room
Tanned in the conservatory
Showered in the bathroom
Flushed in the toilet
Jelly moulded and cream whipped in the kitchen
Spit roasted on the cooker

Chords in the music room
Fingered on the keyboard
Slipped a length on the shiny floor
And bedding in the bedroom

 

Live 8

Bush isn't such a bad guy,
And Blair does care
G8 are really great
They understand the problems of Africa
And the political truths that relate
to making hunger history

But it can't be done today
They have to let the starving die
The cost of war is far to high
To spare the funds for food.
And anyway, when all is said and done
We can't have peace until the war on terror's won.

Now fair trade could be really good
and help the starving get some food
But must be balanced with the need to feed
the appetites of western greed.
To feed the starving would be great
But not just yet, they'll have to wait
While we develop low cal food
In order to escape our fate
Of early death, from being overweight.

Bur Blair does care
G8 are really great
Bush is not such a bad guy
And pigs can fly.

Reality TV

TV or not TV, that is the question
whether 'tis nobler for the mind
to watch the antics of a group of fools
or by the off switch end them

TV. Reality. Reality TV
where we can see celebrity
each a famous wannbe
famous for being on TV

Reality TV is like a farm
where little people feed on fame
until they shit
then shovel it to us
as entertainment

Take The Farm. And take Love Island
And sink them in the sargasso sea
of TV viewers' apathy.
Drown every D list celebrity
And that includes the double D
who got her tits out for the Sun
Or rapped or sang with some boy band
or slept with Beckhamand with one hand
made some pig happy.

Please take big brother too
Unplug the cameras that record that zoo
before another talentless fool is made
into a new celebrity
who then will have the right to be on TV.

The English are Best

The English condemn politicians
Democracy gives them that right
Dictatorships don't have dissenters
They rule by terror and might
If you can't moan you haven't got freedom
England can England does, England's right.

The English complain - about England
They treat England's pride with disdain
They've the right to complain about England
And how it has gone down the drain
How the glory of England has faded
And it ain't comin' back 'ere again

Well, no wonder. Just look at the leaders
At Blair and at Brown and that lot
We should roll them and fire them and smoke them
It's no wonder it's all gone to pot.
But then we'd have Howard's lot replace them

What a thought! Can't do that! Maybe not.
So the English complain about England
Too much tax and red tape! Rising crime!
NHS! English football! Drunken yobbos!
All the scroungers, the waste and the grime!
The list of complaints is quite endless
So the English complain all the time

They've the right to complain, so they do it.
And why should they give it a rest,
They don't like to boast about England
Or say to the world "Be impressed."
They would rather just keep on complaining
While they know in their hearts they're the best.

 

Our kids are getting fat
What do you think of that
The next generation - or so we've been told
Are all gonna die before they get old.

You've heard the old adage - you are what you eat -
And that's why our children are salty and sweet,
mechanically reclaimed sub standard meat.

So now that we know this who should we blame?
To pick on MacDonald's is really quite lame
When food from school kitchens is more of the same.

We could blame the parents whose kids are obese
They shouldn't buy burgers just to buy peace
What we really need now is EATING POLICE

The EATING POLICE could ban burgers and chips
Turkey twizzlers and french fries would not pass our lips
And they'd force feed us raw veg - with nice low fat dips.

But beware of this happening - there's a lot we should fear -
When they've banned any food where fat might appear
and they're working on carbs - then they just might ban beer.

 

Charles and Camilla

The royal wedding of the year is almost here
True love has overcome.
A union many think should not have been
Has now the heart felt blessing of the Queen

And will there be an engagement gift
Before the couple marries?
Perhaps a late night chauffeur driven tour
of Paris?

God bless Nine Eleven

Goodbye the Taliban, hello Iraqui oil
Farewell habeus corpus and welcome house arrest
without the interference of the courts
God bless nine eleven

David Blunkett

You'll have heard it said, when you were small
That you shouldn't play with yourself at all,
And naughty boys who do will find
That in the end it makes them blind.

I never really thought this through,
But now I think it could be true.
My mind's been changed by a media junkett
Revealing all about David Blunkett

Blunkett was building a nanny state
By fast tracking visas sent in late.
This he did for Kimberley Quinn
But then he committed a cardinal sin.

I don't care that he had some fun,
And wants to prove he gave her one.
I don't care where he wants to stick it,
Bu he shouldn't have charged us for her bloody railway ticket.

Gambling on the Future

Look back in wonder and in love
At little lambs gambolling on England’s pastures green

Look forward in hope to lamb’s full grown to sheep
And ready to be fleeced

Now see the changes in our laws
When Tony Blair, in true appreciation
of the generous donations
Of America’s gambling lobby,
Agrees to make this green and pleasant land
Into another desert state
Nevada’s home from home
Las Vegas twinned with every English town

 

Life's a Lottery

Life is a lottery
With many competitors in the human race
handicapped before they learn to run
While others are allowed a lead
Before the starting gun is fired
In order that they won’t be tired
From carrying their silver spoons

The human race is rigged right from the start
But here’s the consolation
To gladden every jealous heart
No matter what the handicap
Or who has Nikes upon their feet
The finish line is fair
And ends in one dead heat

 

Ballad of Reading News

1

He did not drive a brand new car
A new car’s hard to steal
An old one makes a better bomb
The blast is just as real
When semtex blows out rusty shards
The sliced flesh will not heal.

He did not know the gathered crowd
Of proddies, old and young,
They were not martyrs to his cause,
Their pain had not been sung
They had not been on hunger strike
Locked up, or shot, or hung

And so he knew what haunted thought
Quickened his pulse and why
He looked upon that happy crowd
With such a jaundiced eye
The Brits controlled the land he loved
So this lot had to die.

2

Her burka was not scarlet
For blood is vivid red
And spilled blood was the reason
She wanted to be dead
For they had killed the things she loved
Now they would die instead

She walked amongst the shopping crowd
Dressed in shabby grey
One blinkered slot exposed her eyes
To let her see her way
And let he view the world of shame
That she would end that day.

And through that blinkered slot she looked
With such a wistful eye
Up at that widespread tent of blue
That free men call the sky
And at Israeli gunships
Buzzing angrily by.

3

They did not care about the school
They just had one intent
To scream aloud their hate and pain
Then Russia would relent
And let them live their lives the way
That God and Allah meant

4

It’s sweet to dance to violin
When love and life are fair
To dance to flute, to dance to lute,
Is delicate and rare
‘tis not so sweet, with burning feet
To dance the Twin Towers Air

5

And each one kills for hate or love
By each let this be heard
They do it for a worthy cause
Or some religious word
And those they kill are just like them
Which makes it all absurd.

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